Crime and Punishment 2

When I agreed to take the role of Queen for the Day, I had assumed that it would be for one day.  I felt that I could do enough to deal with our present major issue, namely Bugger Lugs Johnson.  Sadly, the state of the LA is dire.  Like Hamelin Town, there are rats everywhere and one day is simply not enough.  So, I have agreed to do a few more days.

One of the many dreadful things about Brexshit it that it has wrenched attention away from the day to day suffering of our people.  Last week, I went to support one of our citizens, Citizen Poorly with his Universal Discredit review and this morning Mr Iain Duncan Smith was before My Majesty.  I was in no mood to brook any of his crapulence.  ‘Citizen D Smith,’ I said in my sternest voice, ‘I am going to present you with my evidence, which is indisputable.  I was there.  If you disagree with me, you will be calling me a liar … and that will have severe and uncomfortable consequences for you. Do you understand?’  I smiled encouragingly and he nodded.  ‘Speak up Citizen D Smith, for the record.’

‘Yes.’

‘Yes who Iain?  Look where I’m sitting and where you are standing?’

‘Yes Ma’am.’

‘Thank you.  And now Iain I am going to tell you a true story and you are to listen very carefully.

‘One morning, three years ago, my friend Citizen Poorly heard the post man and there on his doormat was a brown envelope.  Oh, he wondered, what’s this? as he studied the envelope from the Department of Work and Pensions.  He opened the letter and found it was an appointment for an assessment for the new Universal Credit.  Such a lovely ending to the letter … ‘failure to attend will result in loss of benefits.’  Well, I’ve got to go, he panicked.  ‘Don’t panic,’ said I, ‘all you’re doing is moving from one system to another.  This assessment will just be to make sure that they have all the correct details for you.’

‘Citizen Poorly was right to panic.  He lost his benefits and he was consumed with fear.  In fact terror is not too strong a word, when your whole life has just crashed down … and you’re not well, which is why you’re on benefits … and a Health Assessor has deemed that you are well.

‘Following the loss of his benefits, Citizen Poorly appealed and an independent judge and doctor overturned the assessment and his benefits were re-instated.

‘That should have been that for two years, but one year later another brown envelope arrived. ‘You must attend for a health assessment.  Failure to do so will result in loss of benefits.’  Citizen Poorly had another ‘turn’ as my granny would say.  His heart pounded, he couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, couldn’t think and he went to the doctor who prescribed stronger medication for his dreadful anxiety.

‘I rang the Universal Credit Hotline, hoping that there had been a mix up.  I rang three different numbers. I was put through to the office in Hull.  They didn’t know and gave me another number.  I rang that, it was in York.  We were just getting somewhere when the fire alarm went off and the office was evacuated, along with my phone call.  ‘Ring me back on this number in half an hour – I must go now.’ said the helpful person and hung up.  I rang back, but this time I was connected to Newark or Doncaster and I had to explain the whole rigmarole again.   The helpful person could see that the appointment was out of sync. but nobody knew why.  The advice was that we must go.

‘So we went on the due date, at the appointed hour to York twenty miles away.  We reported to the office.  ‘I’m very sorry,’ said the clerk behind the desk, ‘but we’ve just heard that the Doctor will not be in today and your appointment has been cancelled.’  Citizen Poorly was on the verge of collapse with anxiety and I was furious.  However, as My Majesty, I must refrain from cursing and swearing and instead I fixed her with a withering gaze, ‘I know this is not your fault, but this is very distressing.’

 ‘I understand,’ she replied, ‘I am sorry. Would you like a complaints form?’   So Citizen Poorly had to wait for another brown envelope, which in due course arrived and not surprisingly, Citizen Poorly's mental health grew worse.’

I paused for a moment to look at Citizen D Smith. ‘I hope you’re listening carefully Citizen D Smith, because I will be questioning you on the facts during cross-examination. Do you understand?’

‘Yes Ma’am.’ He mumbled.

‘Marvellous!  I will continue.  We went again to York and I had the horrible experience of watching my friend succumb to anxiety.  He shook, he went white, and he couldn’t speak or think.  I have never wanted to get out of a place faster!  We weren’t interviewed for long, which was good.  Then we had the 6 week wait for the decision, which was thankfully and rightly that Citizen Poorly’s benefits would continue.  Finally, Citizen Poorly could stop worrying.  That is until 3 months ago, when the whole cycle began again and Citizen Poorly felt ill again.’

‘Now then Citizen D Smith, have you any questions regarding my facts, given that they are true?’

‘No Ma’am.’

‘Well done, that was the right answer.  Next question, as an experience D Smith, how would you rate it?  One being wonderful and something you would like to do again and ten being dreadful and something you would never want to do again?’

He thought for a moment.  ‘Well, it wasn’t so bad – I mean it was a pity about the doctor doing a no show – just bad luck – and nobody died, so I think I’d give it a 6.’

‘Thank you for that Citizen D Smith.  I will take that into account when sentencing.

'Finally, D Smith, in the face overwhelming evidence that your Universal Discredit system has inflicted pain, suffering and even death on our citizens, do you take responsibility for this draconian system?’

‘No Ma’am, I don’t.’

‘And why is that?’

‘Well, it was well intentioned – it was meant to help people back into work – encourage them.’

‘And did it?'

‘I - I’m not sure.’

‘Well. Citizen D Smith, let us review my evidence.  Was Citizen Poorly better for your interventions?’

‘Well it depends how you define better.  You see –‘

‘Stop right there,’ I commanded.  ‘Don’t wriggle with me, you slippery lump.  Look at the evidence!  Citizen Poorly had to go to the doctors and was given even stronger tranquilisers.  Is that better or worse?  Speak up!’

‘Worse,’ he mumbled.

‘And did you manage to get him back to work?’

‘No.’

‘So you tormented and persecuted Citizen Poorly for no result?’

‘Well I wouldn’t say no results.  It is unfortunate that Citizen Poorly had such a bad experience, but it’s not the norm.’

‘And how do you know this D Smith?’  I asked in icy tones.

‘Well, I’m sure that my department –‘

‘Sure?  And how do you know this for sure?  I’m sorry D Smith, but I will not allow you to go any further with this bullshit.  You have been told anecdotally and informed statistically that this Unhinged Credit is not working and you have steadfastly refused to listen.  I am saddened that even when you have been presented with hard facts that you are still unable to distinguish wishful thinking from reality.  You are a pompous, puffed-up, stout lump and as yet you still do not seem to grasp what you have done. So I will move to sentencing.  You may sit down as I feel you may be distressed.

‘Firstly, all your assets will be seized for a duration of time dependent on your rehabilitation, but for a minimum of ten years.  You will be placed on Universal Credit for two years and during this time you will take up jogging.  This is because you are you are overweight and it's fashionable in political circles.  You will jog to every Job Centre in the LA and spend the day outside wearing a sandwich board saying, ‘My name is Duncan Smith, how can I help?’ And you will keep a record of the suggestions.  At weekends you will read and make notes on the statistics provided by the National Office for Statistics and you will produce a plan for improvement.  At the end of two years you will be reassessed for Universal Credit.  If you fail, you have various options open to you.  You may take out a Quick Quid or Sunny loan at 4000 per cent APR, or you can become homeless immediately and beg for a living.  According to one of my local Conservative councillors, this can earn you up to £300 per day.  You may not accept directorships or speaking tours.  You will be limited to minimum wage, zero hour contract work.  I look forward to hearing about your forthcoming experiences and how they have improved your chances for work and your physical and mental wellbeing.  You will begin your sentence immediately.  Take him away.’

Citizen D Smith shuffled out and I had a well-earned cup of tea.  I look forward to hearing about his  future plans for improving UC. Perhaps, as he will be a user for a while, they will be kinder.  I am confident he will lose weight.